I was shot this morning. I am in unbearable pain, yet here I am, speaking before you all. This pain is entirely the fault of John A. MacDonald. Now, I’m sure even in his drunken stupor his ears perk up when he hears his name. He may be wondering how this is his fault. I’ll tell him – all of you.
When John A. MacDonald lost the confidence of the legislative assembly, he was outed as Prime Minister and I moved in to take his place. For four days the Prime Minister title was held by The Honourable George Brown. Me!
But on the fourth day, John A. MacDonald exploited a loophole, like he is exploiting this nation, and he fired my entire staff. I was robbed of my position, and my political career was over, just like that.
I returned to my failing newspaper. I guess when every day brings the same news, that this so-called country is run by the rich with only their own interests in mind, headlines don’t really sell. I had to make cutbacks and it appears I fired the one Canadian citizen who exercises his right to bear arms.
Mr. Prime Minister, I hope you’re happy with what you’ve turned Canada into. I offer you a toast. To our home and not-so-native land, to the mess on all of our hands, but more specifically Sir MacDonald, to the blood on yours.
It is in the dark days, where the gunshot wound in my leg grows more putrid and inflamed every day, that I look back and truly regret not taking action sooner. My light is dwindling – and John A. MacDonald stands to be the Prime Minister who made Canada what it was. If only the history books could look back on him in the way he truly was – a selfish, lazy oaf, carried to victory by his rich supporters whom he promised still more prosperity to. This country has so much potential, but I don’t think it will last.
When children one hundred years from now are learning about this time, learning about the botched confederation of Canada, I pray to God that they will show John A. MacDonald as the man he was, as the man who held an infantile nation in his hands and dropped it in favour of the bottle. I hope George Brown will be seen as the man who accomplished more good in four days than Sir MacDonald did in years.